THE OLD FLY SWATTER

cabin

THE OLD FLY SWATTER

Granny rocked on the porch

With her old fly swatter,

And she did something bad,

She really hadn’t ought-er!

 

A fly had landed on Pappy’s head,

And when she spied where it was at,

Granny flicked the fly swatter

With a mighty KER-SPLATT!

 

Old Pappy jumped up and said,

“Why’d you hit me on my head?”

“You disturbed my nap

And that poor creature is dead!”

 

“Old man,” Granny said,

“Beware, this is true,”

“I wasn’t aiming at the fly,

I aimed to hit you!”   😊

OLE’ PAPPY AND HIS SNAPPY

old man

 

OLE’ PAPPY AND HIS SNAPPY

Ole’ Pappy lost his snappy,

He was as tired as a dog,

He took a long, long nappy,

And slept like a log,

 

Then, he saw a lovely lady,

She gave him a sweet smile!

Then, Ole’ Pappy thought maybe

He could run for miles and miles!

 

Yes, Pappy regained his snappy,

And got pep back in his step,

He felt as handsome and happy

As a youthful Johnny Depp!

 

The lesson, albeit sappy:

Please think a little while,

One day, you may be like Pappy,

And simply need a sweet smile!  😊

MY LOVE FOR YOU (Two Versions)

heart broken

MY LOVE FOR YOU (Version One)

My love for you is dying,

And along with it, I go,

I care no more for thinking how

I used to love you so,

You used me and abused me,

For far too long,

So, I sigh, and say “goodbye!”

This is my swan song!

 

MY LOVE FOR YOU (Version Two)

My love for you is dying,

And along with it, I go,

I care no more for thinking how

I used to love you so,

You are the sweetest, forsooth,

And you’ve the greatest taste by far!

But alas, you broke my tooth!

Goodbye, nut candy bars!

 

THE PERFECT PIROUETTE

gavel

As a change of pace, please enjoy the following true “war story” from my days as a prosecutor!

I learned a very valuable lesson while trying a case in Parks County with my fellow Assistant D.A., Doug Morgan.  I learned that you should always check your fly before going into a courtroom!  Doug was making the opening statement in a drug case.  He was busy outlining the facts of the case.  I was sitting at the prosecution table, while assisting him as his “second chair.”  Doug’s opening statement was going fine.  All of a sudden, mid-sentence, Doug spun around, away from the jury box.  To everyone’s surprise, he quickly reached down and zipped up the fly of his pants!  Then, he quickly spun back around and again faced the jury box.  Both spins and the zip didn’t take over two seconds to complete!  It was a perfect pirouette!  Doug immediately resumed his opening statement without missing a beat!

I learned later that he had been alerted by a Sheriff’s deputy who had noticed the unzipped fly while sitting at the clerk’s table located in front of the judge’s bench.  The deputy had written a note on a legal pad, in large letters, and pushed it forward on the table in Doug’s direction where he stood nearby.  Simultaneously, the deputy managed to make eye contact with Doug and get his attention during the opening statement.  He had nodded slightly and motioned for Doug to read the legal pad note on the table.  The note read, “Your fly is open, Dumb Ass!”

 

THE FLY IN MY SOUP!

fly

THE FLY IN MY SOUP

I looked down at my pea soup,

And I promise, it’s no joke,

I saw a housefly swimming

A great backstroke!

 

If my bowl was the Olympics,

This fly would be a winner!

Instead of an unwelcome guest

Swimming in my dinner!

 

But as the sole judge,

I grabbed card and pen,

And scored his backstroke

A perfect ten!

 

The fly looked up

And gave me a wink!

Then, before you say “backstroke,”

He dove into the drink!

 

Before I could grab a spoon,

Or do anything more,

The fly flew straight up

And out the door!

 

Looking back, I wonder,

What is the greatest mystery?

It’s not why he was in my soup,

But how a fly learned the best backstroke

In Olympic history!   😊